my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
