he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
