What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize