I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
