new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
