Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
