I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
