just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
