I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
