I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
worst night to have a conscience
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
