I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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