i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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