i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
