haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
