No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
