i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
