You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
