i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
