Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we're making bets on your personal life
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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