had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
