So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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