Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
