you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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