We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
