Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
