i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
