Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What drink are we having for lunch?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
