Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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