But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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