PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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