Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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