omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
