he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
