Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
