First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
