I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
