You just made me feel so damn special
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
