you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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