I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
