Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
