Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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