This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
