R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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