Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
