Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
