Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
