we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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