Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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