Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he fucked my hip out of place.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
