Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
