Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
