And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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