This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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