My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
