Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
