Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
