Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
