I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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