i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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