then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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