I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
