I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why do cheetos always look like penises
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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