I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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