I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize