My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
