Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
