I'm gonna have a badass scar
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
