I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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