I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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